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04 February 2013 @ 01:45 pm
Bad year to date  

Okay, so.  I guess the first question to ask would be 'where are you, Chelsea?'  WELL, internet friends, I am in Belleville.  My hometown.  That alone should tell you something's gone wrong xD

Okay, so I starte school in Computer Programming in January, and proceeded to immediately come down with a terrible cold xD I'm talking throwing up, can't breath due to coughing, can't breathe due to nose stuffies, feel like crap, don't leave the house.  So while I did drag myself in on some of the days,I ended up going hoe most of the time because I couldn't even concentrate and I was disturbing the class with my coughing.  I kept up on the labs though, and caught up on all the work, so you would think when I started class the second week, I would be prepared.  

I wasn't xD

Everything seemed confusing.  The lingo is the hardest part, because there's so many layers and variables and short forms and dfugaiubaa.  I started having panic attacks.  And then I learned the worst part; I have a class whose sole purpose is to make us work in groups.  This sounds silly, but group work is my least favourite thing about school ever.  All my life, people in group work have fucked me over.  Now I just don't want to deal with them at all.  So when I went to that class, first I found out I was in a group that named themselves the 'Breeders', and then they started yelling my name to find me.  I panicked.  Full blown, tears and crying in the middle of class, panic.  Even WORSE was that my laptop cable was tangled with another guy.  So as I'm tugging on it, my panic is growing, and people are now watching me panic and doing nothing to help me and even though I'm repeating 'I need to go, I need to go, please help me' no one fucking moves.  So now I'm the center of attention, freaking out even worse, crying my eyes out.  I have yet to return to that class and we're on week 4.

So after this, I went 'well, this needs to be fixed' and went to the school counselors.  I have a very nice therapist named Jon, and I've only had two sessions so far, but it's very interesting.  Essentially he just confirmed what everyone's told me for years: my childhood was shit and it really fucked me up.  I don't have emotional ties to my family, really.  I mean, i love them very much, but we don't express emotion around each other.  My dad and mom were always working when I was little, so I didn't have a parental figure to go to to talk about the teasing and problems I had.  As such, I now just bottle everything up and do not show emotion if I can help it, and this needs to be fixed.  I'm hoping he can also help me make friends or something, cause if my grades are not on the line, I'm a very friendly person.  I reach out and introduce myself and everything, but no one is receptive.  Not at parties, not at get togethers, not at all. Right now, all I hang out with is my cousin and my brother, and Jess and Cait, who moved in across the street.  Other than that, Chad's my only daily contact.  

However, speaking of things that need to be fixed, I am still jobless.  I had an interview with the government last weekend, which I feel confident about, but it'll be another 2 or 3 weeks before i hear if I get to do the next test and interview, and then I have to wait longer to see if I pass that.  So yeah, need something sooner xD I felt really good about some jobs where I had an inside contact, but all of them fell through and left me feeling very unhappy with my friends who promised me over and over they'd help.  I would have been happier if they had just told me they don't really have any pull at all; at least it would have been honest :/  As it looks, I have enough money to get to march, and then I'm dead broke.  As in, lose the apartment dead broke.

Two weeks ago, I also had to put down my last rat, Mishka, as she was very, very sick and nothing I was doing was helping.  What made it worse was that when she started to get sick, I had no money at all [Child support is my savior].  So I tried to make her comfortable, and easy for her, but I literally didn't have the cash to put her down and I feel terrible about it.  She suffered for days because my broke ass can't find a job in this city, and I have never felt worse until today.

Which brings us back to 'where are you, Chelsea?'  Well, internet, like I said, I am back in belleville.  My dad drove up yesterday, and brought me and my brother home today, where my mom sat us down and told us that my Grandfather has cancer in his liver and lungs, and has about 5 weeks to live.

I have never lost a relative before.  Like, never.  All my grandparents are alive, and my cousins and uncles and aunts and parents and everyone.  I don't know how to deal with this grief, and my grandfather is the worst person i could lose right now.  He's the reason I went back to school.  I wanted to make him proud of me, and I wanted him to be there at my graduation and I wanted him to be at my wedding.  He was the one person that when I said 'I want to learn music' he said 'okay'.  He bought me my keyboard.  He came to all of my recitals.  He was the one person that no matter what choices I made, he backed me up.  I remember I got these butt ugly shoes once for my birthday, and they were white with music notes and pink guitars all over them, with a keyboard alone the inside sole.  And my grandma told me my grandfather picked them out himself and he was so excited to give me my present because he thought I would love them so much.  And even though I thought they were reeeeally ugly, I wore them right out until they were toast.

I don't know how to deal with this.  I'm crying right now, but when I'm around my family, I'm stone cold.  Like I said, we were never emotional around each other.  I don't know if my family has ever seen me cry since I was like, 10.  I know my mom wants support but I don't know how to properly provide it because we've never had that relationship.  I'm just miserable and I could ignore everything else and continue trucking on quite happily except for this.  I have to go back for school on tuesday, so I know tomorrow is going to be the last time I ever see my grandfather alive, and it's tearing me apart.  I feel like I'm breaking and I have nowhere to go for help.  I just keep crying.
ミ☆ m e l l i efawning on February 4th, 2013 07:17 pm (UTC)
Aww honey I'm so sorry. I can't say anything other than that about your grandpa - I've never lost a family member either and I won't pretend to imagine how hard that is.

But I have honestly been there with the school stuff. I dropped out of college the first time due to my anxiety. I went to my first week of my second semester, and I literally couldn't bring myself to face all of the people. I continued to tell my family/friends I went to class but I never did and waiting to drop was the worst decision of my life. However since then I have learned a lot about why it happened and what led to my anxiety and being out of school was the best thing for me. I think your counselor sounds like a really good idea for you to start working through some underlying issues. I hope things get better for you sweetie <3