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12 September 2017 @ 09:56 am
I returned to LJ mostly out of nostalgia - I wanted to see where I was at now compared to past years. I needed to show myself that things really do get better, slowly but surely!

A lot has happened this past year living in London. I met a boy who is amazing to me, and a group of friends that genuinely like hanging out with -me-. I went through court and it was the worst week of my life. But I've come out the other side, and honestly have tried very hard to move past it. I am on antidepressants, which usually would alarm me, but they've actually been really great. For most of May and June and I was just stuck in this post-court depression, and it really helped lift the cloud off my shoulders. Sheldon moved in with me in the spring, and I found work out in Ingersoll. Originally I did data entry, but when I came back from my court date in belleville, I had a new job lined up as an engineering assistant. 4 months later, and I was offered permanency! I think my grandfather would be pretty fucking proud that I'm an Engineering Assistant.

So now I live in a beautiful little 2 bedroom apartment, with my boyfriend and our two kitties and ball python, in vibrant downtown london, with a group of awesome friends and working at an amazing job that I love :) Rocking the Double-Income-No-Kids lifestyle, haha. Sheldon and I are even exploring different things sexually, and turns out I really love sleeping with women AND men. At the same time, preferably :P

Life is pretty grand <3

EDIT: ALSO I fucking love Fairy Tail, why did it take so long to get into this. Sheldon has made me a bit of an anime geek again, hahahaha. And I'm playing more videogames too! Really loved Diablo 3, got my Ganesha to diamond level in Smite last weekend, and SUPER excited for Cuphead and the Fractured But Hole *_____*
27 September 2016 @ 09:13 pm
So let me preface by saying I am very intoxicated right now.

I had my bi-monthly chat with Chad today, mostly because I had questions about this DSLR he gave me that I am actually learning to use in class. But we ended up rambling on about things, and he's not... him anymore? He's lost his sense of humor, his drive. He's settled into what life has given him and he's given up. I just kind of expected better.

But it did a wonderful thing. I can never go back. I mean, I know I never could, are you kidding me, I'd burn his parent's house down. But I can literally in no way... I could never do what we did almost a year later, when we hooked back up and kept it quiet and just lived in a few months of happiness. That could never happen again, besides because it would destroy me. He's not him. I mean, I'm not me anymore either, but I'd like to think I did a 180 in the other direction??

I feel so alive. I feel the passing of every hour. I sit in my chair and look out the window and just absorb where I am and what I am doing and relish in how good it feels and how good I feel. I had a squirrel run up to me on my walk home today and chitter at me. So I went home and got him and his friends some bread and fed the squirrels for half an hour. I went to visit a cathedral down the street from me (Down the street! Living downtown is AMAZING!), and while I was walking around inside, a guy welcomed me and told me if I stuck around for an hour or so, there would be organ practice. I stuck around and explored, and I cried when I saw the huge stained glass window with the light coming in and the colours and it was just so beautiful, I've never ever done something so pansy before. But I loved it. And the music was beautiful. I went to a bar with someone the other day that reminded me so much of the one in HIMYM and I adore it, I could easily spend every night there <3 I walk through the park every single day and chat with strangers and feed more squirrels and just try and improve myself by being better.

I'm meeting new people and doing new things and trying new stuff and enjoying so much, and his hobbies, that he was capable of listing for me, were 'League... and golf'.

I'm crying so hard right now, because I think one of my best friends died. And I will survive and move on but I'm so sad I will never talk to my Chad again. I know what we had was special, and I've never love quite like that again. I'll never have what we had, and that's okay :) Because there is so much more. But I still mourn the loss of the boy who made me smile when he entered a room. He's just not him. I don't even know if he's a friend. He's so cold and different. They took the life out of him like I knew they would.
18 February 2016 @ 03:13 am
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. All my decisions have been crazy impulsive. I can feel my personality changing into something new, and it's... weird. But not in a bad way. I don't think.

It's exciting and wild and though I have my bad days, I know I'm so much happier now than I was 2 years ago.

I'm evolving like a Charmander, bay-bee.
18 July 2014 @ 04:41 am
Jamo: Buying Chelsea a lap dance - 20 dollars.
Josh: listening to her experience after?
Both: Priceless *high five*

I didn't know, entering that strip club with two of my best friends for the first time in my life, that in Canada, there are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT RULES. I went in thinking it was like American TV shows - no touching, in your chair, dead look in their eyes XD I ended up with a private room in a clean, well lit (for a club) separate area with a beautiful dark haired woman with an amazing smile and we at this moment are not going to discuss the... Large amount of physical contact I was not planning to make but was heavily encouraged to do so aaaanyways.

Edit: I have been informed by my gentleman friends who are not being very gentlemanly right now that what I experienced is even more than what Canada usually allows xD and that normally they don't come back to the table later and thank you.
10 June 2014 @ 04:54 am
It's 5 am. The sun is rising. I am wide awake. Wide. Awake. My mind keeps cycling through so many problems and stressors that sleep is unattainable. I don't want to wake up alone again tomorrow, and if I never go to sleep, I guess that fixes one problem.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

10 June 2014 @ 01:55 am
I am trying very hard.  I have had a shitty time of the last year and a half, and having escaped the seventh circle of hell, I am trying very very hard to make my life better.  I have been having regularly scheduled meals, I have been socializing with anyone who will stand to be around me [which is essentially my dad, and my mom when we watch Game of Thrones together].  I have been getting out into the sun, and going for walks, working out and doing Yoga regularly and trying my hardest to keep busy.  But it all feels fake.  I feel like I am trying to trick myself into believing things are getting better, when they're getting worse.  I'm just getting better at putting on a good face.  That's all it feels like I am doing.  Getting better with masks.  I'm so crushingly, despairingly lonely.

And I know this, I know I am not getting better, because the one thing I can't fix is my sleep.  I stay up until 6 am every night alone in my bed for hours, just thinking about everything and anything, and crying, and trying to convince myself I'm better off.  If I happen to sleep, the problems just invade my dreams; they take my fears and they run with them, and it leaves me waking up in shakes and sweats.  I don't miss the sex.  I don't miss the talks or playing videogames or going out together.  I miss walking into a room and seeing someone, just one person in my entire life, light up at seeing me.  I am lusted after, but I am not wanted.  Boys will take me on dates and show me the time of my life, but at the end of the night, they want the body, not the personality.  And I thought that was okay; at least I was desired.  But it's not.  It's not okay, I'm not that kind of person.  I'm so lonely.  And I don't even miss him.  I don't.  He is not what I miss, because he became a boy who didn't care anymore.  But I miss that smile, that special smile reserved only for you.  The one you get when you walk into a room and he sees you and you know his world just brightened a little.
29 May 2014 @ 03:35 am
Me: Eeeeeeeeeehhhhh, I just.... maybe I SHOULD join Tinder
Alex and Kirstie simultaneously: DO IT.
Current Mood: amusedamused
16 May 2014 @ 06:29 pm
I am practically already asleep on my keyboard and I'm pretty sure this is all automatic typing xD I have spent the last three nights not in the Maron household, and it was amazing, and I don't want to forget it.  When I have broken up with my boyfriend and I am upset and depressed and I don't feel like holding it together anymore, I want to be able to come here and just read this and know that things can be awesome even with the shitstorm that was the last year :)

Tuesday, I went over to Josh's to drop off a bag of clothing / my magic cards as I was spending wed/thurs night with him, but tuesday with my friend Caitlin at her place, as Jess was in town.  I haven't seen Jess in... well, yeah, a year I guess, so it was awesome to hang out and talk with her.  She brought pot but no one wanted to share with her so I did xD Apparently I am an excellent smoking buddy.  The night we ordered a pizza and watched Digimon and Monster's University and played on our DS' [I started Ocarina again and am in Dodongo's right now].  On Wednesday, I took Jess to a lovely park I used to frequent.  The sun was shining, the air was warm, we wore summer clothing and laid in the grass for hours just reading in comfortable silence.  We swung on the swings a little, and got Starbucks because we looked like Hipsters so we might as well play the part and enjoy some goddamn delicious drinks xD

We went back to Cait's as Cait got home from work around 7, and went in the hot tub downstairs for a while, before I packed up my purse and headed downtown to grab Josh from work at 10:30.  We walked down along the water, shared some smokes, drank a ridiculous amount of whiskey that I had in my purse still from the con [WHICH WAS AMAZING AND WILL NEED A SEPERATE POST WHEN I HAVE ENERGY].  We stopped on the lock bridge and saw all the locks couples had placed there.  It's kinda intense.  Got back to his place and spent some time with Juhli before crashing for the night as Josh worked again at 12 the next day.  So when I woke up Thursday, I was completely alone with just me and three kitties! x3

I spent the day tidying their apartment [habit I have when people are kind enough to give me a safe haven in which to relax], and my brother came by around 4 as we were supposed to see the Last Unicorn in theatres.  Except we both lost our tickets and weren't feeling too up to it, so we just walked across downtown to his place from Josh's [about a 40 minute walk].  Chatted at his place, played some Mario Kart, then Alex's friend picked us up and dropped me at Josh's work again for 8.  We grabbed some beer from the lcbo and headed home to his place as Juhli worked early and needed food so we couldn't be out late.

When Juhli went to bed around 11, Josh and I loaded the remaining 5 beer, my litre of Vex, and a fireball flask I had whipped together, along with some joints and smokes, and went on a 5 hour walk around the city xD We literally got home as the sun was rising.  It was... amazing.  It was such a good walk. We went down along the waterfront by parliment [and I am pretty sure we ran into something terribly dark and dangerous but shhhhh] and sat by the water and watched some late night ducks eating.  We walked out to Champlain point and just sat and had a good conversation andaishfpiagdfuayvfupasdv I peed on Parliment Hill and had the most amazing view xD Josh couldn't stop laughing.  I got to see if the lightning bolt on the ground was warmed yet, and we took shelter in a long tunnel from the rain for a while.  The thing is, once we went through that tunnel, which was at the start of our walk, we didn't see more than 5 people the rest of the night.  It's like we were in our own little world.  Sensed crap like crazy.  We did go into the cherry orchard but something was... off.  It felt wrong.  I wasn't comfortable, so we went into the market hoping to see people, and ended up on the second floor of a parking garage watching the last remaining drunk food place.  It was 100% like watching animas in a zoo.  The alpha female sauntering in and within 5 seconds, a group of males has coalesced around her.  Like... it was amazing. Watching people pair off, watching people swing and miss, and Josh and I just leaned on the second floor across the street, passing alcohol back and forth.  At least, until the homeless man saw us and we got the fuck outta there xD  We even saw someone we knew, and walked like, literally inches from her, right past her, watching her, and she didn't pay us a single goddamn notice xD  It was amazing to be in that bubble, but at the same time, slightly scary.  Walking part the jail was almost too much for me by the time we swung around that way.  It was like a boss battle, so I took Josh to the firefighters memorial on city hall property to use it as a save point and regroup.  I find it a relaxing place.

Overall, it was an amazing night. Today was also excellent because I have wonderful friends who aren't going to let me go through the next few weeks alone and it feel amazing to know that :)
08 February 2014 @ 10:24 pm
It's been a rough year.

The one year anniversary of my grandfather's death is coming up in just a week and a half, and it's made me think of all the stupid shit I've gone through.  His death will always be the most traumatic part, as losing a mentor, a pillar of strength, the person I could rely on is difficult.  And I haven't found anyone to fill that space for me.  I love Chad dearly, but Grandad had all the answers.  And no matter what I did, or what terrible, awkward predicament I got into, he was there to support me.  He went to every recital I ever put on.  He sat through a dry, horrid, two hour high school rendition of Our Town with a terrible back just to see the whole thirty seconds I was on stage.  It didn't matter if I brought home an A or B, which sounds really fucking stupid to most people, but really mattered to my mother and grandmother.  That one letter change would mean the difference between my family praising me quickly then leaving me alone til next semester, or months of badgering and stress because I got the second letter of the damn alphabet. But not to my grandfather.  When I told him I wanted to pursue music for my life, he bought me my first instrument [even though I was a saxophonist and not a keyboardist, at least he tried].  I am certain that if he hadn't suddenly gotten cancer and died, my last year and a half would have been better just for him being there to comfort me and give me advice.

But he wasn't.  And he couldn't be, and I'm selfish to wish he was when he was in so much pain.  And so in the past year, I struggled through lying bosses and financial struggles.  I lost my home, and I lost my best friend, even though I think I lost him a long time ago and just never realized it.  I moved into my boyfriend's parents basement in an attempt to get back on our feet, but we didn't.  Hours were cut, then only one of us was working and we couldn't possibly save up.  I was trying to support both of us on a part time job, and that was without paying rent! Bills alone dragged me down.  And then I got a full time job with excellent pay, and I was ecstatic.  Until I started there and found out just who I would have to work with - day in, day out, an abusive, old woman with too many chips on her shoulders and this new young girl at work to take it all out on.  And my boss didn't care, cause I was new, and she was his friend.

But now I think things are finally getting better.  Chad starts working with the Canadian government in April, and I am still at that full time job,  But the difference now is that I am fucking sick of life kicking my ass.  I am fucking sick of people talking down to me because I didn't finish school.  I am fucking sick of people making me feel like shit because of my body size.  I am fucking sick of my coworkers treating me like I am less than a person because I'm young, and 'useless, like the rest of her generation'.  I am fucking sick of having all these people who call themselves my friends, but after 6 months of knowing each other, just drift away and stop responding and stop caring.

I deserve better than this.  I do.  I don't even mean to sound holier-than-thou - I deserve some goddamn decency and respect in my life.  I deserve friends who want to hang out with me.  I deserve to walk down the street with my head held high and not looking like a victim; its ridiculous that something that happened nearly 7 years ago is still ruining my self esteem [not that I was great before then - highschool made sure of that].

Two weeks ago, I was at a bus stop, and I saw a group of fifteen or so teenagers holding a young woman down on the ground and beating the shit out of her.  I called the cops, gave them directions, descriptions, but the group dispersed long before the cops arrived, and they took the victim with them, and there was nothing I could do.  And I felt stupid, and useless, and I'm tired of feeling like this.  So now I'm taking Krav Maga.  I want to be strong.  I want to learn how to fight.  I want to learn how to respect myself.  And I want to feel confident in myself and my body.  Most importantly, and this is a huge thing coming from me considering how much I resisted it in the past: I want to change.

We're hoping to move out in June, and hoping even more to have enough saved up for a townhouse.  On friday, I took my boss aside, and explained that what was happening was unacceptable, and together we are working things out so that I don't have to be miserable at what should just be a job.  I have Ottawa Comiccon coming up in May, and Chad and I have VIP tickets.  My childhood hero, Bruce Campbell, is going to be there, and when I meet him, I want to be this strong, confident woman.  I want to look him in the eye and smile and carry on a normal conversation; I don't want to lower my head and get embarrassed and feel uncomfortable that I am not worth his time.  Because that is how people make me feel now.  That I am not worth their time.  Chad tells me all the time, daily, that I am smart and beautiful, and every day, I tell him he is wrong.  But you know what?  He's not.  And it's messed up that my life experiences have led me to believe that he is.

And I want to change that.