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27 September 2016 @ 09:13 pm
It's Over, Isn't it, Isn't it, Isn't it Over?  
So let me preface by saying I am very intoxicated right now.

I had my bi-monthly chat with Chad today, mostly because I had questions about this DSLR he gave me that I am actually learning to use in class. But we ended up rambling on about things, and he's not... him anymore? He's lost his sense of humor, his drive. He's settled into what life has given him and he's given up. I just kind of expected better.

But it did a wonderful thing. I can never go back. I mean, I know I never could, are you kidding me, I'd burn his parent's house down. But I can literally in no way... I could never do what we did almost a year later, when we hooked back up and kept it quiet and just lived in a few months of happiness. That could never happen again, besides because it would destroy me. He's not him. I mean, I'm not me anymore either, but I'd like to think I did a 180 in the other direction??

I feel so alive. I feel the passing of every hour. I sit in my chair and look out the window and just absorb where I am and what I am doing and relish in how good it feels and how good I feel. I had a squirrel run up to me on my walk home today and chitter at me. So I went home and got him and his friends some bread and fed the squirrels for half an hour. I went to visit a cathedral down the street from me (Down the street! Living downtown is AMAZING!), and while I was walking around inside, a guy welcomed me and told me if I stuck around for an hour or so, there would be organ practice. I stuck around and explored, and I cried when I saw the huge stained glass window with the light coming in and the colours and it was just so beautiful, I've never ever done something so pansy before. But I loved it. And the music was beautiful. I went to a bar with someone the other day that reminded me so much of the one in HIMYM and I adore it, I could easily spend every night there <3 I walk through the park every single day and chat with strangers and feed more squirrels and just try and improve myself by being better.

I'm meeting new people and doing new things and trying new stuff and enjoying so much, and his hobbies, that he was capable of listing for me, were 'League... and golf'.

I'm crying so hard right now, because I think one of my best friends died. And I will survive and move on but I'm so sad I will never talk to my Chad again. I know what we had was special, and I've never love quite like that again. I'll never have what we had, and that's okay :) Because there is so much more. But I still mourn the loss of the boy who made me smile when he entered a room. He's just not him. I don't even know if he's a friend. He's so cold and different. They took the life out of him like I knew they would.